Only four more days till NYC! I'm freaking out just a bit. I've been there enough, but I'm not at all looking forward to what I might be doing by the end of the trip. Right now, there is a 55% chance that I'll be saying bye to Paul...for good. I've went through the pros and cons, and the cons are winning.

The main thing bugging me about him right now has to do with trust and jealousy. Lately, let's be honest, probably for the past year, I just get the vibe that he isn't being all that truthful about some sensitive subjects. When he changes plans, I wonder what really came up. He spends an awful lot of time with a female friend that has already let her intentions towards him known too. He swears up and down how he turns her flat down when it comes to that...I dunno. I was told by his cousin by e-mail yesterday that he got into a car accident, had a concussion, and is in the hospital, and my first reaction that I had to quell is "Prove It!" (Backstory: his plan was to come up this weekend and then we'd fly to NYC together on Wednesday. This way, he gets out of coming here again!) Geez, am I a horrible person for thinking such thoughts! I must be the worst girlfriend ever! My gut is telling me to cut the strings. Plus, as I've said before, my feelings have changed quite a bit. I have all these plans and I just don't see how he fits in anymore. When we talk on the phone, my mind wanders and I get a bit bored. When I say "I love you too" (he always says it first), I feel a bit like I'm just saying the words because that is part of the routine we have...not necessarily because I feel it. At times, I love him...but I'm questioning why a lot more. This could be the distance getting to me, but I have a strong feeling being together isn't going to change it either.

I'm really scared about the possibility of dumping him. This is mainly due to the time I've spent on the darn relationship...over five years and what do I have to show for it? I can't really say I've forgotten how to be single due to being apart for a bit now, but it just makes me feel like I've wasted some major time out of the dating pool. And, I know there is a ring waiting for me...feeling a bit of guilt for not trying to make it work anymore. But then again, I'm having some trouble trying to come up with how he has tried to keep it going lately besides the consistent phone calls. Why should I have to make all the major changes in my life to fit him? I love my school, my work isn't horrible, and all my family is in the midwest...I'd rarely get to see them anymore. Is Paul's love really enough to get me to finally commit to moving? Do I see myself in love with him after another 5 years? Or would we drift further apart... Of course, if he sweeps me off my feet again and the visit reminds me why I'm with him and why I love(d?) him, there will be a different story when I get back.

One of my friends that I'll be seeing in NYC talks a lot about her experience with "kissing frogs". I'm a bit scared of venturing into doing that again. It took me sooooo long to find him...he has only been my second serious boyfriend (as in lasting more than nine months) and there were only a couple non-serious ones before them. With the extra weight, it takes a special person to look past it. I'm sure there are plenty of men who don't mind, but they just don't seem to live here! Then again, with my busy schedule for the next year, it might be good to spend some time to completely focus on me instead of giving so much of myself to others and trying to impress some dumb guy. That way, I can figure out what I really want and not settle for less.

Sorry, there is no weight update! I didn't get to WW on Thursday and overslept the past two days...I vow to before I leave town next week though. My scale is telling me I gained a pound, which I expected. Eating later than usual and less exercise can do that!