Monday, November 28, 2005
Settle Down, Oprah Ain't Here Yet!

But anyways, the big announcement is that it's SNOWING! Not just snowing, but blizzarding!!! Holy shizzlesticks...the wind makes it look a lot worse. This is the part of winter that sucks...unless of course, somewhere I don't want to go is called off. But, tomorrow is Group Sex (hehe, more will be in my other blog about that), and I don't want to miss the funniest group of the whole darn week. Well, since the interstates are still closed at this point, maybe the powers that be will cancel class tomorrow.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to start actual WW meetings again as soon as I get my car back from the shop. With some recent medical news, I know I have to pay more attention to carbs and such, and when I was doing the points, it made me focus! Wonder if I can get someone to come with me...I went alone before, but I'd kind of like someone to bitch, exercise, and compete with. Yeah, I like competition. Of course, I'll probably get a bit jealous if the other person pulls ahead, but maybe I can just focus on it motivating and not pissing me off instead :)

Sunday, November 27, 2005
Tell Me Something I Don't Know...

So, I haven't heard this officially from my regular doctor yet, but he did tell some info to my mom when he was up checking on my grandma. The bloodwork and other stuff that I had done? Well, he told her I have PCOS. Gee, really doc? You've been fussing around with my female parts and problems for years and now it makes sense to you? Most likely endometriosis too with the information my mom supplied him about my lovely Aunt Flo. So, he said he'll be calling me up to tell me and that he has a great medication for me. The way this year has went so far, I'll be a walking pharmacy pretty soon! Good news: he said the last person he had go on it lost 40 pounds in a really short period of time. Hmmmmm, maybe I'll get to my goal weight faster. I also will be having a fasting blood glucose check to see if my levels are still wonky like they were during my hospital stay. And boy, once the doctor finally tells me something and not my mother, I'll have some big questions for him!

Another thing I already know: I don't know if I'm ready for a guy to be serious about me again. Mr. Old Flame is all sweet and good, but...well I don't know a good but...ok I'm wishy-washy. One day I'm over the moon, take me now, kiss me kiss me....and the next day it's like, "Whoa, check out that other guy!" or "Shit, men are evil! Get away, you!" Plus, I'm really trying hard to work on some other personal issues, and adding someone to the mix complicates things a bit. If only I could see into the future...I don't want to hate myself for messing up something that could be great...or wasting time on crap. Send me a sign!!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Oh Happy Day!

No, not happy day about grandma...although she is breathing slightly on her own...ventilator is still doing much of the work...but hey, it's a positive sign she still is putting up a bit of a fight.

I got a message from my neurologist...make that the nurse of my neurologist yesterday. Yep, when I went to the hospital in October, they had a neurologist check me out too. He ran a few tests on me, checked out some of the other results that were in my file, searched and found my MRI from May, and gave me a couple pain blocks to help my shoulder/left arm. I'm finally getting a call-back about some results. Well, she told me that one of the tests...I think it was the autonomic one...they did came up abnormal and that my blood sugar was screwed up too. She sent the blood results to my regular doctor (actually she said she did a week ago already) and that I should be hearing from him, put me on an anti-seizure/migraine medication (well good thing I won't be getting a seizure since I've seen one and of course, they aren't fun!), and to check in for a follow-up in two weeks. So, maybe we're making some progress in diagnosing the original problem that has been messing around with me since May!

Well anyways, that's the only news fit to print at the moment!!

Sunday, November 20, 2005
Hospital Elevators Smell Like Poo

At my door the leaves are falling the cold wild wind will come
Sweethearts walk by together and I still miss someone
I go out on a party and look for a little fun
But I find a darkened corner cause I still miss someone---Johnny Cash

Gosh, it just takes one event for me to put away my issues for a bit. As I've written before, my grandma has had a hell of a year. On Thursday, the doctor said she was good to go back to the home and she was released from the hospital. Well, at 5 am, she was getting ready to go back by ambulance. My parents beat her to the hospital because it took awhile to get her stable enough to move. She wasn't responding, couldn't breathe, was coughing up crap, the list goes on. So, she definitely has pneumonia and her right lung was filled with a bunch of thick icky bad that they did a bronchotomy (sp?) to get it out. She was placed on a ventilator before she got to the ER and when I got there, they said that was the only thing keeping her alive at the time. She was severely dehydrated (again...I don't think she was fully recovered before they sent her home, actually) too. Her blood pressure dropped down to the 40s/50s and medicine was given to keep it up. My mom, aunt, and uncle made the hard decision to do no extra measures if her heart stops. In the critical care unit, I got to hold her hand (which she squeezed back) and she opened her eyes for a bit...she slept most of the time because the doctor has her sedated so she doesn't rip out one of the many tubes connected to her right now like the central line that is giving her fluids. These next 24 hours are pretty critical. I don't want her in any excessive pain, but it's going to be hard to let go favorite grandpa and now possibly grandma gone in less than a year? So, right now, we're just waiting to see if she makes it through the night.

On the plus side, I finally have visually noticed my weight loss. My aunt brought over some pictures from the 4th of July and the whole family could really tell. I think I must have some problem with my eyesight, because I NEVER thought I looked that huge. Gosh, I hate pictures, but now I'll have some lovely before/during stage pictures to share eventually :)

But, in the meantime, just send some good vibes if you can spare them to my grandma and the family.

Saturday, November 19, 2005
Since I'm Bored....

You Are Changing Leaves

Pretty, but soon dead.

Your Blog Should Be Yellow

You're a cheerful, upbeat blogger who tends to make everyone laugh.
You are a great storyteller, and the first to post the latest funny link.
You're also friendly and welcoming to everyone who comments on your blog.

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You are always tactful and diplomatic. You let people down gently.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

Sing With Me :)

Inspiration from Monty Python's Spamalot

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's grissle,
don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.....

Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life

If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten
and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When your feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle that's the thing

Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life

Well life is quite absurd, and death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin, give the audience a grin
enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow

Always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go!
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life

Life is quite absurd, and death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin, give the audience a grin
enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bri-i-i-i-i-ight
side of life
side of life
side of li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-fe

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I've been so busy journalling on paper and at my other place that I forgot to get back here!!

No exciting health appetite is slowly returning (damn!), and I've went out to eat three times already this week. I don't think I overdid it too much though! One of those nights, I was supposed to meet up with 1 guy and a few gals I ended up just the guy and me! More about that in my other blog. Again, if you're interested, comment and I'll give you the link. The two pounds I gained have disappeared, and my mood is slowly improving for the most part.

In trying to get my happy back news: I just emailed my former band director from college about joining the community band. I miss playing with a group and the comraderie in the clarinet section. Also, I need something creative to do! I've also been doing some job searching for a position that will make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile and not so much phone-based. I usually don't have a hard time finding a job, but getting one that I love takes some work!

My room is now perfect!! Too bad that I have to move...I want to savor my organization longer!! Still searching for a place...I don't have much time left!!

Monday, November 14, 2005
It's Time!!!

First off, my other blog is up so if anyone wants the link, leave a comment and a way to email you and I'll give it.

This post shall be short....I am just taking a break from tidying little things up in my room. The realtor is going to do a walk-through of the house tomorrow!!!! Hopefully, it looks okay enough because I'll be darned if I'm going to stay up late in order to make it completely perfect.

While cleaning--yes, I know everything happens while I'm cleaning!--I found a Get Well card from my grandma and I teared up. It came earlier this summer when I was having all the neck and shoulder trouble and her writing was pretty darn neat. Now, she won't be writing me anytime soon, let alone talk. Now, with all the problems she's encountered since losing her soulmate, maybe it's a good thing if I never find mine! But, I'll keep looking :)

Saturday, November 12, 2005
I Vant to Be Alone!

No, not really. I hate being alone but I don't like people that much lately either! My brain sends signals...."Come closer and get to know me...No, No, you're too close now!!" How goofy is that?

One of my challenges for myself is to do something OUTSIDE of the home DAILY involving people. So talking to friends online or by phone just does not count! I don't have any close friends in town and my family and I are not at a good spot (AGAIN), so this assignment is really tough. Yesterday, I went to Barnes and Noble ALONE. The place was PACKED!! I felt like all the eyes were on me. Fighting the urge to turn around and flee, I began to peruse the shelves. My anxiety was kicking in overtime and I felt pretty queasy. The feelings finally subsided...I even made EYE CONTACT with other people. Holy snikeys!! I found a couple of interesting books and found a nice place to start reading and people watch.

There was this girl who sat down at the table next to me. She just seemed so confident and sure of herself. She received a phone call from someone close to her and said, "I'm enjoying my me time right now. I like to be ALONE! But, I promise I'll do something with you later." Dang, I wanted to be her for awhile. First of all, if I received a call from anybody requesting my presence, I'd be hightailing it over there because my mind would say, "If you don't now, you'll never be asked again." Second, I just wanted her overall attitude she conveyed. I wish I could just trap it into a bottle, make a potion, and use a little whenever I needed it.

I ended up staying at B&N for 3 hours!! Shockingly, I did end up enjoying myself and didn't feel like the odd girl in the place. Believe me, that is progress! You can bet I'll be going there again soon.

Thursday, November 10, 2005
Definition of Gigglepuss

Yes!!! This is exactly how I would define my nickname :) And believe me, I had the worst case of inappropriate, uncontrollable giggling during my group that I go to :) I'm journalling about it as we speak, and I'll be sharing the details in my new blog (which is ready, even if not pretty, and will be unveiled on Saturday after I get a few more posts typed!)

In other news, I actually gained 2 pounds this first gain in months!! It must have been the fast food my family fed me during my last hiatus! Sigh :( But, I am back to walking daily and dragging myself out of bed, so I know this won't be the beginning of the end of my loss.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Shut Up Already!!

Ever know someone who just tells you a bit too much about their personal life and you just want to plug your ears, run away, or shake them to be quiet? Sure, I'm curious at first...but then the convo just goes to a place I don't want to think about!!! Arrrrgh!!

My grandma is still hanging in there...the medical situation is still pretty precarious. And, I'm not so sure grams wants to keep fighting. I just really wish I would have had another good conversation with her before things started really going down the tubes. Geez, the last time I saw her, she chatted like normal and now her speech is mainly just "mmmmmm". I think my last visit was only about a month ago...and I would have visited more if my relationship with my family wasn't rocky and there was always a fuss when I was around. And two weeks ago, at the beginning of my hiatus from the internet, I was asked if I wanted to go see grandma before I left. I was in a rush so I said I'll go see her later. Of course, then my mom tells me after the fact that grandma had requested to see me and kept asking about me. Why didn't the family bother to tell me that part before it was too late??? She sure can't ask for me now. Ohhhh, I'm feeling major guilt about that.

New blog update: Still didn't get the chance to make the final touches on it! So, I'll have it finished by Friday.

Monday, November 07, 2005
Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans

New blog still coming....more important health/fitness info here house key is hiding :) Yes, I lose it every other day, but it still frustrates me every single time!!

My excuse for the day: I just got home from seeing my grandma in the hospital. And, it doesn't sound too good...she's went downhill fast!! And now, her kidneys are down to only 8% functioning. But, the doc said that she doesn't have Alzheimer's as previously believed....just good ol' depression...which still confuses me on why exactly she no longer can speak and she was fine only a month or so ago in that area. But dang, if that is what depression can do, I need to get a grip!!

Sigh. I'll start gripping tomorrow :)

A Day Late Already!

Egads, I said I'd be here daily, and I'm a bit late. I had an "assignment" to do for a new group of mine, and it took forever!! So much for getting that new journal up today! I shall work on getting that ready tomorrow and will email you that have asked so far once I have the link.

Man, I have so much I want to share about the day but it is late and I have to be up early for my class tomorrow. So, it'll have to wait one day.

One thing I will say: Mood/health-related weight-loss rocks!! After the consistent losses for months, I am not worried so much about it creeping back on anymore. I love dropping clothing sizes since that is about the only way I can tell it's going away. I still see blob everytime I look in the mirror. I am so grateful for a gal that sent me some clothes she grew out of awhile back that were 2 or 3 sizes too small for me then. Now, they fit great, if not a little loose. A pair of Old Navy dress pants, corduroys, and a LB pair are now officially a part of the wardrobe so I can quit having to hike up my own baggy pants. I am so ready for a real shopping trip...maybe it's time for a part-time job in retail so I can get discounts :)

Saturday, November 05, 2005
That Says It All

Wow, sometimes song lyrics can really grab me. Now, this is not describing me and a certain boy...more of my own internal struggle against my negative thoughts that I was losing for a bit there.

Addicted--Kelly Clarkson

It's like you'’re a drug
It'’s like you'’re a demon I can'’t face down
It'’s like I'’m stuck
It'’s like I'’m running from you all the time
And I know I let
You have all the power
It'’s like the only company I seek
Is misery all around

It'’s like you'’re a leach
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you
Have all the power
And I realize I'’m never gonna
Quit you over time

And yep, I've made up my mind that I'm going elsewhere with the big non-fitness related journaling stuff. This area will remain fitness and general fluff :) So, if you'd like a link for the deep end, leave a comment and I'll let ya know where it is.

Friday, November 04, 2005
Vacation...Had to Get Away...

Another lapse in my posting for over a week! And this time, I was really really gone. As in absolutely no computer access...wasn't even near my over a darn week!! Trying to catch up on my favorite blog reading is killing me now, but I didn't miss being away from the net at all. Wow!

I am still gathering my thoughts and deciding what to share...and how to say it... Shocker, I really don't share EVERYTHING about my life here. I'm debating going to another blog about this particular subject...I think it's that important but there I do want a little bit of privacy about this issue (maybe even password-protected). Some people a little close to me read this blog (still not sure how I feel about that), and some things just can't be for their eyes. Of course, they already know what I just went through in general, but they aren't going to get to know the nitty gritty. Maybe that sounds odd...I feel a bit more comfortable sharing with acquaintances than family. Well, I'm a strange duck, so there!

One of my daily assignments is to journal daily, so you'll get to benefit from that (well, at least the trees will since I won't be wasting paper!) And if I do decide to go elsewhere for my other "crud" and you have an inkling of interest, I will post and you can email me for a link. If I stay here, look for a nice lengthy explanation tomorrow.