Saturday, May 21, 2005
Kissing Frogs

Only four more days till NYC! I'm freaking out just a bit. I've been there enough, but I'm not at all looking forward to what I might be doing by the end of the trip. Right now, there is a 55% chance that I'll be saying bye to Paul...for good. I've went through the pros and cons, and the cons are winning.

The main thing bugging me about him right now has to do with trust and jealousy. Lately, let's be honest, probably for the past year, I just get the vibe that he isn't being all that truthful about some sensitive subjects. When he changes plans, I wonder what really came up. He spends an awful lot of time with a female friend that has already let her intentions towards him known too. He swears up and down how he turns her flat down when it comes to that...I dunno. I was told by his cousin by e-mail yesterday that he got into a car accident, had a concussion, and is in the hospital, and my first reaction that I had to quell is "Prove It!" (Backstory: his plan was to come up this weekend and then we'd fly to NYC together on Wednesday. This way, he gets out of coming here again!) Geez, am I a horrible person for thinking such thoughts! I must be the worst girlfriend ever! My gut is telling me to cut the strings. Plus, as I've said before, my feelings have changed quite a bit. I have all these plans and I just don't see how he fits in anymore. When we talk on the phone, my mind wanders and I get a bit bored. When I say "I love you too" (he always says it first), I feel a bit like I'm just saying the words because that is part of the routine we have...not necessarily because I feel it. At times, I love him...but I'm questioning why a lot more. This could be the distance getting to me, but I have a strong feeling being together isn't going to change it either.

I'm really scared about the possibility of dumping him. This is mainly due to the time I've spent on the darn relationship...over five years and what do I have to show for it? I can't really say I've forgotten how to be single due to being apart for a bit now, but it just makes me feel like I've wasted some major time out of the dating pool. And, I know there is a ring waiting for me...feeling a bit of guilt for not trying to make it work anymore. But then again, I'm having some trouble trying to come up with how he has tried to keep it going lately besides the consistent phone calls. Why should I have to make all the major changes in my life to fit him? I love my school, my work isn't horrible, and all my family is in the midwest...I'd rarely get to see them anymore. Is Paul's love really enough to get me to finally commit to moving? Do I see myself in love with him after another 5 years? Or would we drift further apart... Of course, if he sweeps me off my feet again and the visit reminds me why I'm with him and why I love(d?) him, there will be a different story when I get back.

One of my friends that I'll be seeing in NYC talks a lot about her experience with "kissing frogs". I'm a bit scared of venturing into doing that again. It took me sooooo long to find him...he has only been my second serious boyfriend (as in lasting more than nine months) and there were only a couple non-serious ones before them. With the extra weight, it takes a special person to look past it. I'm sure there are plenty of men who don't mind, but they just don't seem to live here! Then again, with my busy schedule for the next year, it might be good to spend some time to completely focus on me instead of giving so much of myself to others and trying to impress some dumb guy. That way, I can figure out what I really want and not settle for less.

Sorry, there is no weight update! I didn't get to WW on Thursday and overslept the past two days...I vow to before I leave town next week though. My scale is telling me I gained a pound, which I expected. Eating later than usual and less exercise can do that!

Thursday, May 19, 2005
I'm Doing It!

Good news...Doppler came back normal. Headaches gone. Still some dizziness and cramping in my arms, chest, and a bit in the neck but hopefully will clear up with physical therapy or some other route not yet explored.

So, at 10:25 PM on Tuesday night, I decided I WILL do the Marine Corps Marathon. Nothing like leaving decisions till the last minute! So, my registration is postmarked on time and I'm ready to go! I've been checking out hotels and flights in the Washington DC area. Anybody from around there have any good suggestions? I am really excited about the prospect of doing this. I figured out that I need an average of 14 minute miles up to mile 20 if I don't want to get stopped at that point. It doesn't sound too bad...but I'm still building up my endurance and haven't went that far in training yet. So, we'll see how it goes. I've also checked out the Rock N Roll Marathon for next sounds like it would be a fun one too. I must be crazy!

I'm also getting ready to head to WW today. I've missed the past 2 weeks with being ill, but the doctor's scale has shown me good things...I have a feeling a bit of the big loss last week will be back to visit today. Boo! But, it will still be less than my last official weigh-in there! If I don't gain and the scale agrees with the doc, I'll get my 10 pound sticker :) The weight might not be just falling off me, but I think I'm doing it right this time and the changes will stick.

I'm thinking about moving my little blog elsewhere...Blogger has been great, but I'd like to be able to do a bit more...I'll let you know if I decide to make the leap!

Monday, May 16, 2005

I'm waiting for the doctor to call me with results...and I'm getting darn impatient!! I'm ready to get back to cardio and marathon training!

Sitting on the fence...I need to turn in my marathon registration by tomorrow. What is holding me back? It isn't that expensive to enter except for the hotel and airline arrangements. I guess I'm just scared about actually performing. I have been doing the training so far except for the past two weeks...I feel like I'll make a fool of myself there. I imagine people thinking "What in the world are you trying this for?" or "You don't belong in this marathon! Better have the medics follow right behind you!" And if you don't get to mile 20 by a certain time, you'll be shuttled to the finish line. I don't want to get stuck on the loser bus! But, I'm also really excited about the prospect of doing it. Also, I've never been to Washington, D.C. and would really like to see the touristy stuff while there. My motivated self and my low esteem self are fighting a major battle. And then again, what if there is something wrong with my heart? That could put a damper on this whole plan.

Finally, I wish I'd never have to deal with men again after this weekend! Got into a huge fight with my stepdad and a tiff with Paul (yes again! Give me strength to make it another 10 days until I see him and then figure out where my head is!) I'm about ready to avoid contact with anyone from the opposite sex for as long as possible!

Thursday, May 12, 2005
In the Home Stretch!!

OMG...I am finally feeling halfway OK. Well, my neck isn't as stiff and my head doesn't hurt as much. Dizziness and nausea and blurry vision still pretty darn persistent, but I can almost deal with that. I was supposed to go to the PT today, but there was a sign saying they were closed for the rest of the afternoon. I expected a courtesy call since I did have a scheduled appointment, so I'll have to call tomorrow to reschedule.

So, as I said in the last post, another PT was going to take a look at me on Tuesday. She did an ultrasound of my neck, used a big tingling cushion thing on me, and had me do some neck exercises. She told me to have a checkup with my doctor ASAP because she thinks it may be artery related, as the other PT had guessed. Yesterday, I went back to my doctor and sat there for quite awhile waiting for him. In the next room, I heard him admitting another patient to the hospital so that was understandable. I just hoped he had his brain on this time. Last week, I noticed he wrote my prescription in my mom's name when I got to the car and had to get that fixed. He came in, asked how I felt, asked about new symptoms (cramping in chest and shoulder ever since Saturday after a morphine injection), and had the PT's report (thank goodness he actually had read that) in front of him. He scanned it over, excused himself to quickly call the PT again to go over something, came back and scheduled a Doppler ultrasound of my neck to check out the artery theory.

Also awesome news: I haven't been really eating the most healthy or exercising at all except for the movement at PT, but the nurse at the doctor's office commented that I lost 4 pounds in the past week! Yeehaw!

I had the Doppler done today...I could view the screen while the technician was checking out my neck. When she had me turn the stiff way, something looked a bit different than when she did the other side. I thought I saw something that looked like a chunk of dark in the way of blood flow...not totally occluding it...and there was a portion that didn't make a whoosh loud sound as much as the other spots. But, that is just my opinion and I don't know much about it. The technician figured I'd have results by Monday if not tomorrow.

And thank goodness, I have heard back from most of my teachers about finals! Due to being told not to drive or work yet, I've had to rely on my parents to get me places. Since I'm feeling a bit better, I have my last tests rescheduled for tomorrow. I didn't have to give my last speech in my one class because just turning in the take-home final will give me an A. In business law, I only have to get 20 questions right out of 96 for an A there. In personal finance, I'm taking the final tomorrow...I had an A and I don't think it should be too hard. I still haven't heard back from my accounting or computer teacher but I had a strong A in both of those classes...I hope I hear back today. Also, thank goodness they aren't doing the grade deduction for missing class the past week!

Also, remember when I had mentioned about walking the Marine Corps Marathon? Well, I decided to take my chances and not register until I got notice from Prevention magazine. I was sent an email last week and was told slots would be given by order of response...only 100 available and lots were interested. Well, I was granted a slot! So, as long as I get the registration submitted within seven days, I can participate. I really would like to, but I don't know if it will still play out ok with school and work. I'll have to make a decision quick!

Monday, May 09, 2005
Another Shi**y Post

I am going to keep this as upbeat as possible. Good stuff...down another 0.5 pounds according to the doctor's scale...which is usually higher than every other scale in the world...but I don't have access to my other scale right now! So, we'll go with that.

I'm feeling confident that the head and neck pain, muscle spasms, dizziness, coughing, and blurry vision cause will be figured out this week because I'm really sick of doctors. I went to the PT on Thursday and will be going again on Tuesday and tentatively scheduled for Thursday. She determined that I am tense and tight, but doesn't believe it's due to a nerve compression. She's having another more experienced PT look at me on Tuesday...she said I may end up going back to my regular doctor because there may be an underlying cause still. The neck massage was great and it did loosen up my neck a bit...but the pain is still there. On Saturday night, I blacked out and was brought back to the ER. The doc gave me some stronger drugs, did another CAT scan of the head (what about a neck or back x-ray possibly??), ran some blood work, kind of ignored my coughing spasms, and sent me home. So, this week just has to be better, right?

My talented sister just got back from the regional AACT Fest yesterday. Unfortunately, they did not win but got some great comments. A person from another city came up to her and wants her to perform with his group over the summer. I really would like to get involved with performing in some way again...I just need to find the time! Another thing to put on the "To Do" list...

Friday, May 06, 2005
I Want My Week Back!

This week just really sucks! I want to start the week over immediately with no pain, no trips to the bathroom, and no darn tripping and forgetting things. Where is my Fairy Godmother?

Well anyways, I do not have AVM. And from what I've read, thank goodness!! I went to my regular doctor for a follow-up on Wednesday to see what else might be up. What really irks me is that I couldn't go on Tuesday like I was supposed to because the report wasn't ready. And when I get to my appointment and tell him all that was done, my doctor said, "Really? So did they give you paperwork?" Blah, blah, blah. Then, he finally looked into my chart and right on top was the information. I know doctors are busy, but geez just a little personal attention would be great. So he skimmed over it while I'm sitting there. I complained about my neck and shoulder plus of course the headaches and everything else...he feels my shoulder and neck...decides they feel tight...and tells me to set up a physical therapy appointment. He says that it might be all connected (Duh! Did I not originally say I think something is out of place?) If the sickness to my stomach, headaches, forgetfulness, and everything else isn't better in a week I'm supposed to visit him again.

He also put some worry into me..."Should we worry that you're getting what your mother has?" Now, my mother scares me about multiple sclerosis often, but I'm just a clutz to begin with so I'm not worrying about it. With his questioning, he has me wondering what in the heck put that into his head. Did he read something in the report? Am I acting funny? Arrrrgh! From what my mom said, something should have shown up in the area of my brain wouldn't have picked up dye or I'm sure he would have mentioned it, right? I'm not going to even think about it right now.

And thank goodness, I'm not an idiot! I did not lose my cell phone forever. I finally found it under the seat of my car. Now, if I could just find everything else I've misplaced over the past few days :) So hopefully, I'll feel a lot better soon...not coughing up stuff, no headaches, and being able to move my neck! I'm crossing my fingers...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005
My Brain Needs a Bandaid!

I finally went to the emergency room on Monday night. I would have went to the afterhours clinic right after work, but I was too late! Let me tell you, after some morphine and other pain medication slipped through the IV, my stiff neck is halfway gone, but the back of my head is still killing me! I spent NINE hours there before they decided to quit poking around on me and let me go home. What finally made me decide to go? Well, my vision started getting pretty darn blurry...still is...and I kind of need to see!

The female doctor on duty did a battery of tests on me. Thank goodness for work providing me some great insurance. She worried more about my head hurting than the neck so she ordered a CT scan. Well, that test showed calcification and lesions on the parietal lobe, which could be bad or nothing really. She gets into talking about AVM or AMV or some darn abbreviation, which is bad...geez, let's just scare me while I'm pain. She also said that it most likely had nothing to do with my pain, but wanted to find out more about it anyways. So, then I get carted off to have an MRI. Haven't had one of those in about 13 years now...I must have really forgot about the noisy clanging and banging. Well, the AVM thing was ruled out I guess after that. So, just to make sure I'm not going to die due to some crazy infection, I had a lovely spinal tap. I was ready for major pain the way it was described to me, but it really wasn't so bad. That came out clear which is good. Then they checked my glucose levels which were ok. She said with all the drugs, it would be really low instead of sort of low if it was something to worry about...but really, she has no idea what it was beforehand. I'm going on her word. She gave me some major konk out drugs to go home with, ordered me to have an adult with me for 24 hours, and told me to follow up with my doctor later that day to discuss results and what would be the next step. My mom called in to schedule an appointment and was told that I couldn't be seen until today because the transcription report from the emergency room wasn't ready yet. So, I'll be going in about an hour to find out more.

So, I missed my recognition breakfast at school, missed having to give my speech, missed work (woohoo about that one), and am missing school today. Part of me wishes that I would have waited another day so I wouldn't be behind, but oh well. If all these tests add up to not helping my pain a bit, I'll be a bit ticked! I'll update again once I know more.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

The March of Dimes walk yesterday was great! The weather wasn't too chilly after we warmed up and it was fun to walk with a big group. I forgot to wear my pedometer, but I'm pretty positive the length was more like five miles and not 3.5...not that it matters! I should have worn my other shoes though because the ones I wore got a bit uncomfortable towards the end. There was quite a few checkpoints along the way offering a bunch of free food and other stuff. I stuck with the water, juice, and an energy bar. At the end, we were all served pizza and pop. With another donation that came in at the last minute yesterday, I just about made my fundraising goal. I ended up buying a sweatshirt and a bracelet at the walk too, so if you add those purchases to it, I did make goal :) After I got my slice of pizza, snow started falling out of the sky! Holy crap, I thought it was spring! Luckily, it was just flurries and didn't stick. When I left, there was still a bunch of people who hadn't finished yet. I guess they took a much more leisurely pace.

For the past few days, I've had the worst pain in my neck. I can't stand to turn my head to the left very far at all. It is just on my right side of the back of my neck and radiates into my shoulder so I must have messed it up somehow...I think I just slept wrong or if the weight of my backpack threw me out of whack. On Thursday, I was running a fever and feeling a bit sick...I'm not sure if it was due to the pain or what. If the pain doesn't subside soon, I'll go to get it checked.

Only two weeks left in the semester!! I have so much to finish by then...I need to work on my speech, set up a lame website, two regular tests, and then of course finals in all my classes as well! So, if I'm a bit scarce until then, you'll know why! I better get cracking right now!!