Sunday, April 24, 2005
Kicking 195 Pounds to the Curb

I almost did it. I was this close to it. What did I almost do? I just about kicked Paul out of my life forever. Why? Sick of the distance frustration, sick of things at a standstill, just sick of feeling like I've wasted five years of my life. Did he do anything to make me feel this way? Well, it's more about what hasn't happened and how my feelings are changing. I need more from him...I don't know how I can get it. But, he understands me more than anyone...he knows what I'm thinking before I do quite a bit. I want him to be dying to be with me, anxious to talk to me...just more passion like the old days. Maybe I'm asking for too much and being a bit selfish. He has a busy life and a new promotion to deal with. Then again, I've got a load on my plate too! I just want a little more effort on his part :( Well anyways, I just couldn't actually say goodbye. There is too much I'm giving myself until June to figure out my head. If I feel the same after my big NYC trip that includes three days alone with him, I'm going to have to suck it up and end it. I've changed so much in the past couple of years after focusing on my fitness: maybe he just doesn't fit anymore...kind of like my size 24 jeans...

In fitness news...I'm down 1.2 pounds for the week! All that food journalling has helped me quite a bit. I used to be a fanatic about it before I got cocky and didn't think I needed to anymore. But, I haven't been to the gym since my splurge at Target. Why not? Well, I could use every excuse in the book, but I'd just be lying to myself in order to feel better. I've been a little nerdy actually this week and have been catching up with reading and movies. I spent one night reading Jemima J, flipped through magazines, and even watched some videos. After spending many times laughing at those who get so emotional watching movies, I finally bawled my eyes out towards the end of The Notebook. If I just wouldn't have looked at James Garner crying, I think I would have been fine! And of course, I wasn't alone while watching it, so my sister will probably torment me for a few years about my outburst. But, I will be dragging my sorry arse to the gym next...must work off the days of letting my arse expand on the couch :) If I don't post tomorrow, assume that I'm recovering from a brain injury after a horrible treadmill tripping incident!