Sunday, October 10, 2004
I Live in a Pit!!

Wow, the weekend is about over!! What have I accomplished??? Diddily squat! I'm staring at my room right now...I can't believe how messy I have let it get. I'd show pictures, but I'm too darn embarrassed to show these living conditions. Clothes on the floor, garbage sitting on my desk, workout equipment working well as a clothes rack...LOL!! I was doing great at the exercise at the beginning of the week...but now I'm being a slacker again. All these goals I've set for myself....and I just sit on my arse. I have to quit this mindset.

A couple things are pissing me off. First, my bf was supposed to be coming to visit this weekend. Did I really believe he would??? NO!! Am I still upset???? HELL YEAH I AM!!! Why do I put up with him? Nobody else is giving me the time of day right now. Now Paul isn't horrible...he makes me feel special and doesn't care about this mountain of fat that resides on my body...but the point is, he isn't here. When I have a rough day at work, can he comfort me and let me cry on his shoulder? Nope. Can he come with me to my parents and verbally whiplash my stepdad when he pisses me off?? NO. Can I crawl into bed with him and cuddle??? Again, the answer is no. I need some physical attention, damnit!! I need a guy who can be here with me in every way. In some sense, I guess I'm pretty lucky. I don't have to dress up for dates, make sure all areas are presentable, I can do what I want and don't have to check in with anybody. But I want to check in!! I want to have someone to look nice for. Second thing that is ticking me off...I'm broke!! I have about 15 dollars right now...I need to make it stretch to get gas, food, and my WW meeting on Tuesday. I don't think that will happen. My parents owe me money, and they say they don't have any either!! ARRRGGGGHHH!!! I don't get paid until Friday...this sucks!! I guess it will be cereal and cheese till then...thats about what remains of my food supply. If I can find my receipt for my CD player, I will be able to get some decent groceries after I take it back. Then, when I do get paid, I have to give about every penny of it to school for my next payment due. Luckily, I only have one payment left until next semester hits!! Hopefully, it doesn't take long for my tuition reimbursement from work to get to me.

OK, what else has happened since my last post? Oh yeah, work had a huge Mexican fiesta for us meeting all goals for the first time in a long while. I had a soft shell taco and another taco type thing with the works on was soooo yummy!!! I didn't keep eating until I was uncomfortably full, so that is a good sign I'm learning to listen to my body cues a bit better. The next day, I was craving Mexican again and was short on time before work, so I hit Taco Bell. I had the zesty chicken border looked healthy enough....I WILL NOT BE DOING THAT AGAIN!!!!! The darn thing was 700 calories with the dressing...I didn't use all the dressing, but still, it's not the wisest food decision. I tried to compensate by eating a smaller dinner, but I've still got some of the bloat hanging on. I will be exercising today after I clear some of my room out, so hopefully that decision doesn't affect me too much. I'm going to get back to my plans and stick with them. Starting tomorrow, I will be posting my food, water, and exercise here. I think I said that last week, but I'm really going to do that this week. I'm the one keeping myself from my goals, so I'm the only one that can make the positive changes. This will just give me an extra push.

Off to cleaning...if I'm not back tomorrow, it is because I got lost in the pile of clothes on the floor!!