Saturday, November 12, 2005
I Vant to Be Alone!

No, not really. I hate being alone but I don't like people that much lately either! My brain sends signals...."Come closer and get to know me...No, No, you're too close now!!" How goofy is that?

One of my challenges for myself is to do something OUTSIDE of the home DAILY involving people. So talking to friends online or by phone just does not count! I don't have any close friends in town and my family and I are not at a good spot (AGAIN), so this assignment is really tough. Yesterday, I went to Barnes and Noble ALONE. The place was PACKED!! I felt like all the eyes were on me. Fighting the urge to turn around and flee, I began to peruse the shelves. My anxiety was kicking in overtime and I felt pretty queasy. The feelings finally subsided...I even made EYE CONTACT with other people. Holy snikeys!! I found a couple of interesting books and found a nice place to start reading and people watch.

There was this girl who sat down at the table next to me. She just seemed so confident and sure of herself. She received a phone call from someone close to her and said, "I'm enjoying my me time right now. I like to be ALONE! But, I promise I'll do something with you later." Dang, I wanted to be her for awhile. First of all, if I received a call from anybody requesting my presence, I'd be hightailing it over there because my mind would say, "If you don't now, you'll never be asked again." Second, I just wanted her overall attitude she conveyed. I wish I could just trap it into a bottle, make a potion, and use a little whenever I needed it.

I ended up staying at B&N for 3 hours!! Shockingly, I did end up enjoying myself and didn't feel like the odd girl in the place. Believe me, that is progress! You can bet I'll be going there again soon.