Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Holy Shizznit!!

Can't sleep! Haven't been able to for the past couple least not at normal times! Maybe if I lived in Australia, I'd be awake at a normal hour with other people! If memory serves, it's late afternoon there right now. Why do I know this? I'm full of random useless knowledge :)

So, since this is supposed to be primarily my "weight loss" blog, I about blew my mind when I stepped on the scale this morning! Woooooo...only 25 pounds until I hit my high school weight. At least, I think that is...I more or less avoided the scale back then. I know I've been trying to lose, and I have tried to visualize it, but in the back of my mind, I honestly didn't know if I'd get to this point. Still more to go, but this has really spurred me on to reach my final goal. Might as well admit it...I had a little bit more than 100 pounds to lose. OK, I'm coming was 128 pounds exactly to get to "my goal" since starting this blog...and I had already shed about 15 before that. I've lost and gained a bunch, and then lost, gained a few, and now finally consistently losing. And how much have I lost??


78 Freaking Pounds!! I'm over halfway there! And if I add that extra, I've shed a good sized elementary school kid. Wow! Have I noticed the change in my body? Really, I haven't until the last 30 pounds. I notice it in my face, my caboose, and a roll near my tummy is about gone. (Notice I say, a roll...) I can't wait to see me at goal...I can't even imagine what I'll look like...I've been round and puffy since probably 3rd grade when it really became apparent. Will I be a hottie to make the men drool? LOL! I'm trying to picture me at my sister's weight...she looks good and she's heavier than my goal. We share the mom I have hopes! I've been told I have a pretty face and a good rack, but I'm ready for a "real" compliment :)

On a serious note, my family has bugged me about something, but I didn't want to agree with their opinion. After reading up and taking some evaluations, I'm pretty sure I'm going through a bout of major depression, a lot of it due to feeling crappy and some other factors too. I just don't have the urge to be a functional human. I don't feel like getting out of bed...have missed work...not being able to sleep or sleeping too much...totally wish pajamas were acceptable outdoors! (Zara, I'm joining you in sporting that look!) I bottle a ton of stuff inside, so I'm sure that doesn't help my mood. But dang, I can still laugh and have fun...I just feel like I'm just going through the motions or faking it a bit more when I do have to be in contact with others. Yeah, the thing with P messed me up a bit, but I have a new friend that is helping me get back to my old self...whatever that is. But, I'm still just not happy.

So, I'm going to call one of the psychiatrists my new doctor gave me and figure out what to do. Her referral had nothing to do with the had more to do with my pap smear freakout (you don't wanna know) and what contributed to it. I'm hopeful that this will help. I've had many deep dark bouts of the blues before...back in college when I was under stress...a few years ago...and now again. I have to put a stop to it. Trying to pull myself out is just not working. It is finally time to fix my inside!

And wouldn't you know it, the crimson wave hit me again, a week after it stopped. Oh joy!

Well, there it is. The good and the bad. Nice healthy mix :)

PS---The Biggest Loser rocks! Wish I had those trainers pushing me.