I'm just in a blah mood today! I slept until 1 in the afternoon and have been just a bum the rest of the day! I should have done something worthwhile like cleaning my room or working on my Powerpoint project, but NO! And now, the Oscars are about to start, and for some reason, I'm just compelled to watch even though I have only seen one of the nominated movies for best picture.

A run down on my goals accomplished this week:

• I've made it to the gym five days this week (the hard part is getting there!)
• I've ate on plan except for one Skittles splurge and I was still under points for the day
• I've exercised for at least 60 minutes each day I didn't hit the gym
• I've stuck to the one can of pop a day (going without any for 4 of the days!!)

I did not get to my WW meeting due to lack of funds after grocery shopping for the week. But, I am planning on going this week. I think I've done pretty well motivating myself for the week without it anyways. And if things hold for tomorrow, I think I'll have a nice 5 pound loss.

But anyways, I'm a bit bored of my 100 things about me (I ran out of interesting tidbits after only a few. So, I'm going to ask for some audience participation!!!

Ask me a question you'd like to know about me and I'll answer it for my revised list of 100 things!! No question is too wild for me!!

Wow, what a day! I seriously considered skipping the gym tonight, but I convinced myself to go. I ended staying there for TWO HOURS!!! Seriously! And no, I wasn't hanging around in the locker room or sucking up oxygen through my nose either. I started with 30 minutes on the bike. I was getting loopy with the exercise high, so I then ventured to the treadmill and set the timer for 25 minutes....I was feeling like I didn't want to stop, so I set it for 5 more, then 5 more, and so on and so on until I couldn't up my time anymore and ended up with 60 whole minutes!! There was even running involved for a good part of it. But did I stop at the treadmill? Heck no!! The weights and strength training room was looking a bit lonely, so I decided to give it a whirl for 30 minutes.

Woohoo!!! I feel good!! I have a feeling my legs may think otherwise tomorrow, but it was worth it. I'll be back again tomorrow. A guy there told me that the weekends are good because the gym isn't full of New Year's resolutioners or people just preparing for some event. So, I guess I didn't look too retarded on the equipment!! I do lack some serious grace getting on and off the darn strength training machines though :) (Guess he wasn't watching that part!)

To cap off the evening, I had a nice chat with some of my team members from Ediets. I've never laughed so hard in my life!!! We spread rumors, commiserated about getting older, and talked a bit about our big trip to NYC in May. If you live in NYC and see some crazy people in red wigs and thongs around Memorial Day, it'll probably be us!

Time to hit the sack because tomorrow morning comes way too early...

Thanks for the comments about my sister, Trish and Girl from Florida! How did she find me? Well, I let her use my laptop once to check her email. She ended up working on her own blog instead, posted a message, and realized she was signed in as me! Grrrr for letting my computer remember me. (If you don't watch out, Danielle, I'll post your blog address here :) Actually, you probably don't even care because you crave all the attention!) Gosh, I don't even care if people from work find me (I know one did, but I have no idea who it is exactly)...but I just feel weird about friends and family knowing everything I do. It's my own fault for being as open as I am, and I'm not going to change that just because someone may actually ask about it later. So screw anonymity! (at least some of it)

So anyways, I just found out that a friend of mine from college (the same person who didn't acknowledge my existence in high school) just got married. My mom was quick to show me the wedding announcement in the paper. She always thought that I had a crush on him and I've always denied it. One of my sisters swore she saw me holding his hand while walking out of work one time. I've lost track of how many dang times his name has come up in conversations with the family. Well, I looked at his picture, and dang he looked old!! I don't know if it is just the lack of hair in the 1.5 years since I've seen him or what! I was glad to see that he looked happy and that he actually is accomplishing his goal he set out to do. I know a bit about his girlfriend (I don't really think that much of her!), but if she makes him happy, so be it.

Well, now that years have passed, I did have a huge crush on him for ONE summer. We worked together five days a week, hung out on breaks, and talked a great deal. Plus, he was an awesome trumpet player, a terrific actor, and his singing could make me melt....musicians always make me swoon. We also had a little scene that we had to perform that summer for the new freshmen that had to do with making out...that's all the detail I'll go into about that. I pined away and had a few interesting dreams about him...nothing life-changing really happened with us. I fell for someone else that fall, and the crush went away. In fact, I didn't even feel much of a twinge seeing his picture. Usually wedding announcements for people around my age make me a bit sad, but I didn't feel it this time. Maybe it's because I know Paul has a ring for me already or just that I don't care what the family says anymore about not wearing one yet. The reason I was holding off posting about my former crush is because I do not want my mom to know that she was right (even if it was only for three months) and the possibility of more teasing mortification by the family! Oh well, I don't care!

In weight-related news: The scale is showing a loss of 4 pounds already this week. I jumped on the scale three times this morning before class to verify it!! If that isn't incentive to keep going to the gym, I don't know what is :) Sure, a lot of it is due to my totally crappy week before, but I'll take it!

Well, I made it to the gym again tonight! I figure going to the gym is better than relying on myself popping in a workout video. I can make excuses to put off popping the video in (like watching American Idol or One Tree Hill), but once I get in the car to go to the gym, I can't really avoid it. I was going to do yoga, but I got there too late. So, I ended up doing the treadmill for 3 miles, strength training with the weight machines (sorry, I have no idea which each thing is called), and then finished off with the bike.

While I was biking my heart out, I noticed a bunch of people doing the Circuit class that is available almost every night of the week. That class scared the heck out of me when I first joined the gym! All these skinny minnies always were complaining about it during my aerobics class or in the locker room. Well, I am almost tempted to try that class. I saw many people gasping for air at points, but it looks like a good overall workout since cardio and strength training are involved. I think I'll watch a little more closely over this next week and then decide.

Since seriously counting points again instead of guesstimating, I realize that I'm really struggling to get enough points digested. Today, I hit 24 by eating a snack when I wasn't really hungry. Either the exercise is cutting my cravings or the healthy food just keeps me filled better and cuts the cravings too. I didn't have a problem hitting it and going over when I first started, so WTF is my problem now? Eating less is a good thing, but once I start really dropping, it'll be tougher to keep losing since it's already used to minimum intake. (At least, that's what experience has shown me.) So, my next goal for tomorrow is to figure out what else to add to my meals.

To end on a non-health related note, my 18-year-old sister has found my blog and my stats show that she's reading it! I confronted her about and she says she does because she really likes it. Well, gosh that's great, but I was trying to avoid the eyes of those who I actually come across in person. And there is this thing I'd really love to write about...but I don't want the story getting to my mom...or my sister either for that matter. So, I'll have to stew a bit and decide if I'm OK with letting her know. If so, look for it later on!

I did it!! I made three goals, and I actually made myself accomplish them!!

• I did my grocery list and I bought healthy fruit and veggies, Boca burgers, Lean Cuisines, and other good stuff for me.
• I drank ZERO (that's right none, nada, etc!) cans/bottles/glasses of pop. (And yes, Jenniy, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper is yummy and addicting)
• I did 60 minutes on the stationery bike and then 30 minutes of strength training with assorted machines. Yay me!

I also ate completely on plan, counted points, and journalled every bite into my mouth, and ended up with 23 points without even calculating exercise...which is a few points low for my weight, but I just did not feel like eating more!! But, this is just one day down. As I read on the wall as I left the gym tonight, "Success is not making it here today, Success is making it back tomorrow" or something like that. So, I need to make it through tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day.....and someday, I hope to get to the point again where I don't even have to think it and I'll do it. I've done it before and I can do it again.

Well, you know how I said I'd be a wonderful point counter this week due to the diminished cardio? Ha!! My idea went right down the sh*tter the day after I posted it. I've ate my way through french fries, a caramel sundae, soda of the non-diet variety, and cake and candy at my cousin's birthday party!! My thighs are going moooooooo and I might as well hang a bell on my neck and change my name to Bessie!

So, why the heck am I two-timing my body with my other deep love of food? Self-pity about my foot? Sheer laziness? Wanting to eat what everybody else was? I don't know. My body is a temple, and I sure left it in a shambles this week. My stomach and intestines are very upset with me and my skin is declaring war. My self-control flew out the window :(

But, I have my game plan to get back on track the next two days.

• Monday:
  
• Buy groceries using my lovely shopping list to keep me from impulse buying
• Limit myself to one can of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and everything else will be water
• Haul my arse back to the gym that I have avoided for a week and try aqua aerobics (Thanks for the idea, Peg!) (EDIT: I won't be doing aqua today because I forgot about work, but I'm going to spend some major time on the bike and weights instead...aqua will be moved to Thursday)
  
• Tuesday:
• Go to the 12:15 Weight Watchers meeting
• Go to Yoga instead of watching American Idol
• Prepare lunch for school on Wednesday

This is what I WILL do. I'd love to do more, but I am taking small steps so I don't give up. I need to get back on track to hit my 60 pounds gone goal this year!! This bouncing around 35-40 pounds gone range is ending as of right now! I am through with having to get back on track every two or three weeks... Every moment is a new time to start over again, so I can't let a setback throw me off pace. My toe feels a lot better, so I'll see what I can handle. Wish me luck!

I was tagged by kristi!

Total number of music files on your computer:

Oh geez....on my laptop I have 69 and 217 on my desktop

Last CD you bought:

It's been awhile since I've bought my own, but the one I last received was is the new Gwen Stefani one "Love, Angel, Music, Baby"

What is the last song you listened to before reading this message?

"Toy Soldiers" by Eminem on the radio driving home from work

Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:

Hmmmm, that's a tough one!!

"On My Own" from Les Miserables...It's from one of my favorite musicals and it reminds me of a time with a close friend of mine years back. And no, I won't get into the argument on which Broadway performer does it better.

"My Immortal" by Evanescence....I am always singing along to this one whenever I hear it. There are so many different ways to interpret the lyrics, and it touches me every time.

"Someone to Watch Over Me"...so many have sang this song...I love the whole feel of the song...dang I like some dreary, moody songs!!

"Rich Girl" by Gwen Stefani...it's not that special but I always am singing along to it. I can't help thinking of Tevia dancing down the road when I hear it though!

"Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson I heard this song right around the time that I decided to go back to school and deciding to get serious about changing my life. It just really fit my mood.

How many CDs do you have?

Probably around 50ish?? I've misplaced quite a few with moves, so if I ever completely unpacked this # would go up :)

How do you store your CDs/records?

In their original cases in a plastic storage bin, 12 in plastic sleeves in my teal CD holder, and some stacked on top of my DVD shelf.


What's your most embarassing CD?

either Ace of Base (2 CDs even!) or Chumbawamba

What group/singer would you recommend to others?

I have no idea!!

Now it's time for me to tag someone....I tag Erinn and Melanie!!

Ugh, I think my two main fat chunks decided to hook up over Valentine's Day and created a baby in my ass!! That is how gross I feel after a few days of no real cardio due to my retarded pinky toe!! Who knew a toe could be so important to my wellbeing? Yes, it is definitely broke, and nope, there is not much I can do except keep it elevated when I can, tape it well, and stay off it as much as possible for at least two weeks. These darn meds aren't really dulling the pain much either. I can of course do some yoga, crunches, and weights until then, but it just isn't the same!! I think I need to ban February 13th from my calendar. I just realized that was the same day I broke my right ankle three years ago.

So, since I'm not moving around as much, I'm going to have to compensate by eating as healthy and on-plan as possible. I admit, eating right is the area I'm the sloppiest. I don't have a lot of time to cook and I get soooo sick of frozen dinners. I've ate almost every brand imaginable. Also, I am back into the habit of drinking pop more than water again. I had drank nothing but water for over a year....and I didn't really miss the sugary stuff. Why did I start again? It probably was when I started eating fast food more often again...arrgh!! Why do I let me do this to myself? The experts say that breaking or gaining a habit takes 21 days. I don't know if I agree....my bad habits are so easy to make or break and the good ones are soooo hard!!

Also, I need to find a new time to get to my Weight Watchers meeting :( My schedule at work changed AGAIN, which is overall a good thing, but I have to figure out a new routine. If my accounting class didn't run so long on Thursdays, I could start going to the one at work. I go to work too early and get off too late for the one on Monday at the center, Tuesdays will be out as of next month, Thursdays and Fridays are out now. I'm going to have to either resort to Wednesdays around noon and rush to work or hit the Saturday one at 6:30 AM and then go to work afterwards. I love my sleep though! Man, change can suck!!

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm not doing anything that special. With class, work, and then the gym afterwards, I'm ready to hit the sack by the time I get home. And of course, I'm not in the same zip code as my sweetie, so I wouldn't be doing much of anything even if I had the energy. I talked to him a bit tonight and he had some bad news about his mom....back in the hospital yet again. This year has really been rough for both of us due to family members being sick or having cancer complications. I hope those troubles cease soon.

Anyways, since I don't have a valentine in my area code, I wrote a valentine to myself. It was actually an assignment for one of my classes. A couple years ago, I'd never to be able to figure out a sweet thing to say about myself. But now, I came up with a few good things. I've wrote about some of them before, so I won't bother going sweet on myself again here :)

So, why do I hate my toe? I did something to my pinky toe over the weekend, and I have no idea what happened. I pushed my backpack with my foot, and all of a sudden, my pinky toe got a sharp pain. On Saturday, I couldn't even bare to put pressure on it. Yesterday, I walked with a bit of a limp due to it, and today, it still hurts like hell!! Even if it's broken, there isn't much that I can do to fix it except wrap it. If the pain doesn't go away by tomorrow, I may need to take a saw and take me out of my misery!!

EDIT: Eeewwww, I just took off my sock and my toe is insanely purple and swollen. I didn't even bother looking at it yesterday. I'm afraid it really does show the symptoms of being broken...not just me being melodramatic for effect :(

I'm required to take personal finance this semester in school. Being in the banking industry, everybody expects that I should know everything about it. Well, I can tell you what type of loan will help you out the most, or what savings and investments will give you the best return, or how to manage your checking account. But, my finances are another story. I have negative net worth due to student loans, I'm renting so I don't have a huge asset to claim for a home, and I'm cleaning up mistakes from my youth. OK, my youth was only 6-8 years ago, but I've learned from my past mistakes.

Today, I had to pay 1/3 of my tuition for the semester. Due to deciding very late about starting school, I didn't bother trying to get any student loans. Luckily, I get most back from work due to tuition reimbursement, but gosh I sure do feel broke right now! One of our assignments in class was to make a budget. I HATE BUDGETS!! I would so much rather spend some money this weekend at Old Navy (we FINALLY have one and it just opened on Thursday), but I'm really trying to be responsible. Thank goodness, I've already paid off my credit cards and got rid of them, or I'd be so tempted to go on a shopping spree at the mall. I vow to stay strong and stay away from there until the end of the month. I can do it!!

In diet-related news, I've been focusing on eating my fruits and veggies this week. I think that I've focused a bit too much because I am so.....errrrr....well I guess the only way to put it is gassy and having to always hit the bathroom. I went to the bathroom a couple of days ago and I came out 2.5 pounds lighter!!! ARRRGHHH!! Maybe it's time for some Beano :)

Well, I went to yoga last night with an open mind. I've done AM/PM Yoga at home before, and I was kind of ehhhhhh about it. I felt stretched, but didn't feel like I got much of a workout. There was a bunch of people there, but I didn't feel awkward about sticking my ass up in the air for downward dogs and all those other moves. Maybe I'm starting to get more confidence or maybe it's the hypnotism....hmmmm :)

Well, this class was an EXTREMELY SWEATY workout!! I felt like I worked just as hard as I would have with 45 minutes of cardio. I really need to get back to using my Winsor Pilates DVDs again because I have lost a lot of flexibility that I had a year ago. The best part of yoga is that I felt soooo relaxed afterwards...sleepy even. I slept like a baby last night. I will definitely be going back to this class for the rest of the month. I loved it! I'm still feeling the burn in my muscles today.

Now for a totally unrelated topic? Do you know someone that continuously annoys you by the way they say certain words?? Please, get a grasp of the English language!! The gal who sits near me at work ALWAYS says miminum instead of minimum. Everybody on my team notices it!! I have the same problem with people who say suppoebly instead of supposedly...Will I survive at least another three months hearing it every day without strangling myself with a phone cord???

Today, we had a hypnotist on campus. Now, hypnotists intrigue me, but I'd never agree to be hypnotized in public. I wouldn't want to do anything too crazy and hear about it for days later. I'm pretty susceptible to the power of suggestion, so I could be liable to do anything as long as it doesn't involve nakedness, diving into a pool head first, or jumping off a cliff. To me, hypnosis is mainly a way to focus your brain to think or not think a certain thing. I know there are some people who have went to a hypnotherapist and had great results with vices like smoking and eating too much.

After his presentation, he asked those interested in finding a way to get over a fear to come up and he'd teach us a free thing to do that only takes 60 seconds. Heck, I'm interested in any free advice, so I headed over. He had us think really hard about what our fear is and what it feels like while we tapped different places on our faces, armpit, fingers, and hands. I thought about my fear of getting up and talking to new people and public speaking in general. He said that we only had to perform the action once and we'll be cured. Well, I'll have to test to see what I feel like the next time I'm in that situation. Now, if I do get results, I'll have to think of a way to make it work for my weight loss. Hmmmm....maybe if I work it to be a fear of being thin, it'll work to my advantage. If I use it as a fear of being fat, it'll probably just make me be happy the way I am! LOL!! I'll have to grab my sheet with directions.

I actually am pretty good with doing general public speaking, like speaking in front of an audience about a topic. It's the more one-on-one personal conversations that I have a problem with. In general public speaking, I can pretend I'm playing a role...I'm great at being someone else for awhile!! With acquaintances, I have to talk about myself. I don't know why it bothers me...I evidentally don't have problems with divulging information here! There must be some switch that I can turn on in my head so that I can be more open with people right next to me...I just have to find it.

In other daily news, I had a rough time getting to class today! When I headed out to my car this morning, I realized it was snowing. If I knew it was so crappy out, I would have left for class earlier. The snow and fog was really thick on the interstate, so I could barely see. When I got on the offramp for school, I narrowly avoided a huge traffic pileup...in avoiding it, I lost control over my car and did a couple of 180s...well more like 120s....until I could control my vehicle again. So, I ended up being 10 minutes late to speech class. So, instead of my assigned time, I had to give my speech last, which actually isn't a bad thing. I could only use a notecard with 20 words and I just figured out what I wanted to say last night, so I was already pretty uneasy about it. Luckily, I chose to gave it about my favorite movie, The Princess Bride and why I believe it's one of the greatest movies of all time. So, if I forgot anything, I'd be able to adlib my way through it. I have a tendency to speak a little quickly, so I was shocked to see the one minute left marker go up before I reached my conclusion. So, it went pretty well :)

I'm heading to my gym shortly, because I'm thinking about trying the yoga class tonight. I have to do something until my work schedule changes next month, so I can go to my regular favorite aerobics/sculpt class. I've done a yoga video at home, so I'll see if it appeals to me more with an actual instructor. Come back tomorrow and I'll report how it goes!

Yesterday marked the one month anniversary of my grandfather's death. His photo is on the candle and the picture to the right of it is his children (my mom, aunt, and uncle). His passing still does not feel real to me. I still expect him to come out of the living room or the bedroom any second

To commemorate the day, we went over to my grandma's house. She keeps his candle on the kitchen table so that "he can remind her to take her pills". As we munched on sandwiches, strawberry jello with bananas, and chips, grandma told us more stories about him and his parents. I'm so glad that my grandma is holding up well. Her neighbors and sisters have kept her busy, so that helps her pass the time.

In other unrelated news, my roommates finally decided to worry about where I am! I haven't spent a lot of time at home for the past few weeks due to some issues that were bothering me (finding out her relatives had been goofing around in my room one weekend I was gone was one big reason). I am not sure if they only checked on me because the rent was due, or if they had genuinely been concerned for my wellbeing. I'll be optimistic and think that it was the latter. One of my goals this month is to make a genuine effort to get our friendship back on good footing.

Also, I'm dragging out my Slim in 6 and Power 90 workout DVDs. I got them a few months ago from someone who never ended up using them. I figure it's about time to put them to good use since my regular routine could use a bit of a shake-up.

Since my comment section has been a little quiet lately, I'm asking for some audience participation!! Have any of you used the programs (Power 90 and Slim in 6) before? If so, what is your opinion of them? Also, what videos do you recommend??

For a change of pace here, I thought I'd share some interesting info on the inner voice while dieting....

Get a Grip on those Inner Voices from MSNBC's Nutrition Notes
Secrets to keep yourself positive while trying to lose weight

Even when some people dine alone, they have the company of four or more internal voices. These people don't suffer from mental illness. Their brains are merely replaying conflicting and possibly negative messages about what to eat and how much. To successfully change your eating habits, behavior experts say you should learn to recognize these voices and put them in perspective.

The Indulger
One internal voice is the Indulger. This one can be fun to eat with because he or she says, "Go ahead, you deserve it," and "This isn't really so bad." The Indulger is likely to visit you when you've had a tiring or difficult day. This voice can be comforting and convincing. If you listen to it, however, you may make choices that you later regret, like a third portion of pasta or three brownies.

The secret to turning the Indulger into a friend rather than a bad advisor is to hear what he or she is really saying: "You need nurturing. Maybe you need to go to bed early to catch up on lost sleep, talk to a friend for support, or put aside more time for yourself." Some people have yet to learn how to nurture themselves in a way that makes them say, "I'm so glad I did that."

The Critic
A far less pleasant voice who visits some people frequently is the Critic. The Critic rattles off all your unhealthy food choices, criticizes your body shape, points out what you neglected to do, or reminds you of all your mistakes. People who hear the negative thoughts of the Critic are more like to have grown up with perfectionistic authority figures, according to some experts.

Some other experts say these negative thoughts arise when people try to live by overly-restrictive rules. Studies show that Americans tend to go on and off many diets throughout their lives. But even if you stop a diet, the rules may still stick in your mind as the ideal goal. If you try many diets, you could end up with quite a crowd of critics in your mind. One voice would tell you to avoid all foods with fat, another might forbid you sweets, and yet another might condemn any more than one-half cup of pasta as overeating.

Rarely do these critical voices help people eat healthfully in the long run. When the rules become too rigid, the Indulger is usually nearby, ready to offer a treat. If people become sad, hearing the Critic replay their failures, the Indulger can be insisting it's time for "comfort food."

The Rebel
The Rebel could also answer the Critic's voice, however. The Rebel is the inner voice that says, "Do it anyway." A wide body of research shows that those people who have made the strictest rules about what to eat and how much are the ones who are most likely to rebound into overeating, especially when stressed.

If the Critic starts to speak to you, admit that you are not perfect and opt for a realistic way to improve your health.

The Victim
The pitiful voice of the Victim will whine that you are utterly helpless at making healthy eating choices. The Victim will give you excuse after excuse. For instance, he or she will note that others are getting seconds, that you never stick to a diet, or that you surely can't eat healthfully when dining out.

Experts say that when you hear this victim talk, you need to talk even louder, reminding yourself that you always have choices. Instead of perfect choices, strive for ones in which the benefits outweigh the negatives. These are choices you can feel good about later.

After my dreary last post, I think it's about time to move on to weightier subjects!!

Besides doing Weight Watchers, I have been a member of Ediets for two years now. I did really well while I followed the menus exactly, and it really taught me a lot of discipline. I got back to drinking tons of water, I exercised daily in my apartment's gym, and I lost 50 pounds in less than a year. The best part of Ediets is not the food plan...back then there were only three to choose from: Convenience, Recipe, or Combo. Now, they cater to almost every darn plan imaginable. I believe the support groups are what can't be beat. They are what keep me as a subscriber. They have groups for different ages, locations, how much to lose, food plans, expert support, new brides, moms, and a ton of different challenges.

I LOVE the Life's Odyssey challenge. It used to be called the Olympic Challenge until Ediets decided that they didn't want to get sued for using the name. In the challenge, you compete with a team...there's about 30 or so teams. You track water consumption, exercise, staying OP, no junk food, 4 servings of fruits and veggies, taking a vitamin, plus there are some other special games during the three weeks. That's not the best part either...the message boards for our team are the best. We commiserate about our troubles, get ideas to keep going, keep our motivation up, and have a ton of laughs! The team I'm playing on now is called the Rising Phoenix...definitely fits my journey. I definitely recommend this challenge to anyone who needs a push :)

So today was one of our goofy days. My new name is Poopsie Gizzardshorts according to Professor Poopypants' Name-Change-O Chart. Also, I've learned thatt I have pretty much no guts according to the Cajones Test. Our team has really turned into a little family...a bunch of us are even meeting up over Memorial Day weekend in NYC. I can't wait!!

You know what I said about getting over grudges and getting along with family members?? I was wrong...I'm totally not over it at all!!!

Here's the backstory: My stepfather is a total a$$. Back when he first started dating my mom, he sucked up hardcore to get me to give him the time of day. So, after seeing he wasn't going anywhere, I was pretty nice to him and thought he was ok. But then, his hidden temper started slipping out...little by little. The first major blowout was at a school carnival when I was in first grade--I call it the "Orange Juice Incident". Well, we were in line to get food, and they were starting to run out of drinks. Well, he ended up getting the last one and I was a little upset (hey, I was a little kid!!) and cried a bit. Well, he thought that behavior was totally unacceptable, so when we got home, he hit me pretty darn hard in the garage. His temper and taking things out on me escalated from there. When he was trying to teach me how to ride my bike, I wasn't learning fast enough, so I got another beating. My back was so bruised that my grandma noticed it when she helped me take off my flower girl dress after my parents wedding dance.

Then he started trying to control what I could do. If a friend came over and asked me to play, he'd say I couldn't come out because I had to clean my room or some other routine activity. If I was outside playing with someone in the backyard when he got home, I was dragged inside if he was in an angry mood. When I got phone calls, he gave the caller the third degree until he had enough information to allow me to talk to them. Pretty soon, my friends were tired of having to deal with him and started fading away. He used to work nights, so if he got home and saw that something was out of place, he'd drag me out of bed to yell at me or worse.

He also was a firm believer in "The Clean Plate Club". He didn't think I took enough food, so he started filling my plate at family events. And if I didn't eat EVERY BITE, I'd be in for at least a verbal tongue lashing when I got home. So, when I gained 30 pounds in a year, the school nurse was called in. She was a nutjob but I dutifully recorded my food for awhile for her. She asked me what was going on at home, and I let it slip out what he did. So, then I got to speak with a social worker, who went to interview the family. Well, my mom told what she knew, but she missed so much because she was working at the hospital quite a bit, and he usually saved the worst for when she wasn't around. And of course, the old man completely denied everything. So, I was called back in and basically gave me the impression that they would do nothing about it...so I pretty much had to buck up and take it.

He finally moved a bit from the restricting my activities, food control, and a lot of the hitting. Unfortunately, it was not in a good direction. After a soccer banquet, he asked if I wanted a backrub. I was a little weirded out, but I agreed because I was afraid of the consequences for saying no. So that continued...and then he got a lot more touchy feely. He climbed on to my bed and sat on top of me...and when I protested, he said "It's only a backrub! Quit fighting it!" His hands roamed elsewhere, and he began sneaking into my room on nights when my mom wouldn't give him any loving or was at work. I screamed when he slid his hand underneath my panties the first time. But, nobody was home to hear me...and my sisters weren't old enough to do anything...still in the crib or a toddler at the time. He became more daring and started sneaking in when my mom was home, so I screamed, he jumped off the bed quickly, and when she came in, he was down on his knees claiming he was cleaning my room. I don't know why my mom fell for it...or if she just didn't know what to do about it. He made good money, and with her having two kids by now, there was support issues. After the lack of action received last time and threats, I didn't say a darn thing. I just worked really hard to keep him out of my room...piling things against the door, tucking sheets firmly around me so nobody could get underneath, staying awake, making myself as uncute as possible...I'm not going to go into more detail, but eventually that stopped too.

He has a history of mental illness in his family, which is no excuse, because he could get treated. He just refuses to go to an appointment. Sometimes, there are months of things being ok....right after Christmas his temper and anger started getting worse again. My mom brought him in to the hospital to be evaluated, and they advised him to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. They deemed him good to go home, so away he went. My mom has set up appointments for him, but he cancels them. I guess he has had issues before we knew him with neighbors, but of course, nobody bothered warn my mom. Well, I guess his ex-wife tried to, but we were warped at that time by his good acting. My mom knows the truth about what happened to me and she believes me, but right now with her trying to get a new house, it just isn't financially possible to get rid of him.

Well, I was over last night, and he had another major blowup because I received a call from Paul. It is so much easier to do a long distance relationship right now, because my bf doesn't have to get subjected to much of the family drama except when he's visiting. My stepfather can't stand any attention I get from guys...he has went ballistic on many occasions. He is like a darn unpredictable volcano, and most guys can't handle having to deal with him. So, my stepfather spews every explicitive I can think of and I send them right back at him (wrong approach I know). He goes after me with a hand, My mother gets into it and shoves him out the door. He spends a couple minutes punching and kicking the door and then the garage (thank goodness she had his keys) and right when we were going to call the cops, he gets in his car and leaves. He came back a few hours later, I guess, all cool and collected. Everytime my stepfather erupts, everything else he's done comes flooding back, and I just can't handle those memories. They were nice and faded over the months of him behaving, where I almost thought I could forgive and forget. Move on and live with it, right? But I just don't think it's possible. He has helped me become a reserved, standoffish, and sometimes a cold-hearted bitch, and I don't like it at all. Many relationships in the past have been affected by my doubts and insecurities, because if my stepfather can turn horrible, when are they going to start hurting me too? Maybe I'll have to take advantage of one of those missed psychiatric appointments for myself :)

I don't want to be around my stepfather, but I really love my mom and sisters, so I can't avoid all contact. There has to be a good resolution for this... Sorry for rambling, but I had to get this off my chest.

My first class was cancelled today, so I have a bit of time to post. I didn't really want to sit through 1.5 hours of speeches about what others believe in. After the first round of speeches, I'm expecting a lot to be sports related. "Hi, I'm some random dude who can't get over the fact that my football career is over, and I believe the (enter team of your choice) is the best team in the world!" Blah.

So, I haven't really posted a lot about how I'm doing fitness wise lately. I guess it's because there really isn't anything new to say. I'm exercising, not overeating, and just doing my thing. Is it working? Ehhhhh, I lost weight last month, but that is to be expected after my lack of caring over the holidays and the funeral. The big thing is I really need to commit more to this. I say it, and then I let other issues get in the way. Work, family crud, school, etc. Do I really want to lose weight? Of course! Am I really ready to put myself and my body first? I don't know. I'm going to try :)

If there are readers out there looking to learn anything about getting healthy, you're checking out the wrong blog, unless you want to learn about the struggle. I'm not a teacher or an expert...I don't proclaim to know anything about what to do. There are some great blogs on my roll that you'll get that from. I am going to continue to write how I feel, and if you enjoy it, great! I'm writing mainly for me, because it is a good source for me to get my feelings out of my head. In the outside world, I'm a bottler with a big ol' smile on my face most of the time. I'm not in a depression, but I just am not that comfortable with spilling everything to a lot of people. I'm so much better at getting my point across on paper, although my writing style here isn't anything to crow about.

One thing that I've learned since working on myself: I like me and my life is actually pretty good. I could not say that before...all I could focus on was my gut, my inability to finish things I start, my grudges, and my lack of close friends. I have a job that pays well and doesn't make me want to strangle myself with a phone cord on most days. I have succeeded there quickly, and I like the praise. My body is getting more fit by the day, and I love how I can outlast some of the skinnies on the elliptical and the sculpting class. I'm dealing with some old family issues, and it doesn't pervade my thoughts so often anymore. I have made a few new friends in the past year through the gym and the net that I feel really comfortable with. What I'm really proud about is going back to school. I thought I would never get back, and would be resigned to the fact that I would never make my high expectations for myself. But, I'm doing well (woohoo for the 4.0 GPA so far), and I have so many ideas for what I could do for a new career. I'm even seriously thinking about going back to my science background, and heading back to med school. I thought I couldn't cut it and let negative thoughts pervade my brain. One awful teacher in college made me feel worthless, and I let myself believe I couldn't accomplish my dream. I can do anything that I set my mind to do as long as I am determined to stay committed.

So, I'm going to work hard, set some new goals, and share a bit more about what I'm doing to accomplish them. I'm still going to ramble quite a bit...this is my spot and I can :) The journey to my well being never ends so I hope you enjoy the ride, even if you don't learn a darn thing!